Guess I am back.

Inspired? Maybe. There is really not any reason why I am back at Blogspot but if I have to pinpoint one - this is where everything began.

I miss many things. Or maybe just something. The thought has been swarming my head for days but i can't yet seem to figure out the missing puzzle. Although i do know that since the beginning of an unknown time, i have not been able to enjoy myself without a single ounce of guilt. Everytime i pick up a book to laze with on a sunny afternoon, that guilt hits me. It smacks me right in the face when i watch movies, when i do nothing or when i have fun. It is so frustrating and mind-boggling. So much so, i have decided i am at an impasse. I have hit a roadblock. It is impossible to be the old, cheery self once more. It is killing me. Slowly but surely.

The theory i have come up with is that maybe i feel like i let 2 years of precious minutes and seconds slipped through my careless fingers and maybe, maybe my subconscious is made up that i don't deserve to have any spare time. I should be fruitful and maximize the time I have, is that what you are telling me, Mr Innerman?

If it is not my inner self, it is someone else. People around me seem to be able to always find a way to remind me that time is not on my side. I may seem to be too hard on myself according to some but well, it is hard not to have that idea occupying my mind half the time when everyone you meet seems to say the same thing, no?

Truth is, I just want to be a careless and carefree teenager/ young adult. I want to spend my free time doing nothing. I want to spend my nights partying away. I want to spend my weekends playing and watching soccer. I want to lie on my bed and watch all the sitcoms in the world. I want to travel every few months. I am sick of being calculative about my future, my alternatives, my bank account and any thing that will distract others from the fact that i have a lot of catching up to do.

Fuck that shit.