I am a petty monster.

My ego is bigger than the world. ARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH.

why no press on

why no ask more

why no insist

#my angst can kill the world but not my ego

Overrated.

And over-hyped. That's what social media is for me. I am deeply perturbed that there is hardly any platforms for myself or really anyone to truly voice their feelings and thoughts in an advanced society such as ours. Does advancement and evolution mean a need to sacrifice privacy? Obviously, I understand there are still ways to go about this so don't wage a verbal war on me.

But well, my bone of dissent isn't really with the social media. I am just pissed.

Damnit.

你问我爱你有多深。。

Regression

I have regressed. I feel that in my bones. I came to this conclusion when i was standing over the toilet bowl this morning. No, i wasn't peeing. Just thinking. And looking at the square tiles plastered onto the wall, i saw a shared, common similarity. The progression made over the recent years.. Is it not unlike the square tiles plastered over the old, wrinkled wall? Yes the tiles are pristine white, pleasant looking, at least more more so compared to the hidden interior. Is the progression just a facade? Can it be torn off or worn out to reveal the ugly character flaws once more?

I shuddered at the thought of that. The entirety of it all is just depressing. Lying on my parents' bed, my mind wandered off as usual. I imagined the churning sound of the computer as my thoughts start to gather. The pool of random considerations only seems to make more ripples, not sense. So with a wave of the arm, i swept the unnecessary thought bubbles away.

Getting off the bed, I glanced at the tiles once again and muttered to myself, "Well, the wall of tiles seems pretty plastered eh? Let's keep it that way."

Mundane Monday.

Guess I am back.

Inspired? Maybe. There is really not any reason why I am back at Blogspot but if I have to pinpoint one - this is where everything began.

I miss many things. Or maybe just something. The thought has been swarming my head for days but i can't yet seem to figure out the missing puzzle. Although i do know that since the beginning of an unknown time, i have not been able to enjoy myself without a single ounce of guilt. Everytime i pick up a book to laze with on a sunny afternoon, that guilt hits me. It smacks me right in the face when i watch movies, when i do nothing or when i have fun. It is so frustrating and mind-boggling. So much so, i have decided i am at an impasse. I have hit a roadblock. It is impossible to be the old, cheery self once more. It is killing me. Slowly but surely.

The theory i have come up with is that maybe i feel like i let 2 years of precious minutes and seconds slipped through my careless fingers and maybe, maybe my subconscious is made up that i don't deserve to have any spare time. I should be fruitful and maximize the time I have, is that what you are telling me, Mr Innerman?

If it is not my inner self, it is someone else. People around me seem to be able to always find a way to remind me that time is not on my side. I may seem to be too hard on myself according to some but well, it is hard not to have that idea occupying my mind half the time when everyone you meet seems to say the same thing, no?

Truth is, I just want to be a careless and carefree teenager/ young adult. I want to spend my free time doing nothing. I want to spend my nights partying away. I want to spend my weekends playing and watching soccer. I want to lie on my bed and watch all the sitcoms in the world. I want to travel every few months. I am sick of being calculative about my future, my alternatives, my bank account and any thing that will distract others from the fact that i have a lot of catching up to do.

Fuck that shit.